Open Window Newsletter

Open Window Newsletter will be a window through which you will see how your mind works involving emotions, exploring them to different levels, and looking at their different aspects as they pertain to the psyche. You will learn why we have behavior disorders, how they are created, and how they can be changed. You will read about different modalities and pathways to healing, bits and pieces of knowledge gained through years of counseling, from readers, and other sources and materials.The newsletter is published the first of every month and will include articles, poetry, Press Releases, Upcoming Events, medical information, and new contacts surrounding abuse and PTSD.  If there is anything you wish to see or anything you wish to share, please Contact Us with our questions, suggested topics of discussion, refer another source, or share your story or poetry. Your name will be withheld unless you give us permission to use it. If you wish to receive the Open Window Newsletter, please email us. You will receive it every month until unsubscribe by emailing us again.

Spirituality! - Do We Need it?

March - April 2010 - Spirituality! Do We Need it?© by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli   There is one aspect of humanity most folks don’t think about and often confuse it with religion. It is also pigeonhole it into New Age philosophy because it is a catchall category for things not well understood, and a lot of times considered separate from the individual or above them. Some don’t feel worthy of it. Others will shout their joy because of it, while others practice it in silence. I’ve hesitated writing about this because of the nature of the subject. Folks, I’m talking about Spirituality, that hidden mystical element of the human being.  Wikipedia is a good place to start if you need the definition of Spirituality. Religion, on the other hand, is readily understood, so folks think. Often they mistake religion for Spirituality and use the terms interchangeably. Religion, defined, is a set of rules or regulations handed down by the leader or ministers to the followers of the religion, sect, or cult. These rules inform the follower how, when, why, and sometimes where they are to practice their religion. Religion is something outside of you, the church, Bible, church family, etc. Spirituality is something within you and pertains to your spirit or soul. Yes, religious people can be spiritual, if they allow themselves to connect to that invisible force within them. Unfortunately, more often than not, the rules of religion create mental chaos because the will of religion and the freedom of spirit often clash. I have not met one single person who totally agrees with their religion. Sometimes folks join a particular church because nothing else in the area suits their belief system. Quite often, this need to join usually stems from their need to belong…to something. Spirituality is a connection or a unity with something larger than you. A connection that is always strong, steady, embracing, supporting, and never changing. It is a sense of knowing no matter what you do or say, you will be loved for who you are, without judgment or fear of retribution. The spirit knows humans are imperfect, and no one has the right to ask you to be anything but human. Spirituality allows us the freedom to grow the best way we know how with what knowledge we have in the circumstances we are in at the time. I intuitively carried this knowledge inside of me since I was 4 years old. Many times in my life I lost faith in myself; but my faith (what I refer to as my Spiritual connection to the Universal God) never wavered. In my youth, my family tried to convince me that everything good had to be given to God, and everything evil was blamed on the Satan. Not to mention both entities were after my soul. Before my teens, I knew there was an entity greater than I and was very much a part of me. I also felt that blaming the Devil was plainly not owning up to consequences and taking the easy way out. You see, God is everything, at all times, everywhere. God was there when you screwed up, but there was no judgment. God was there when you learned or grew from your mistakes. And, folks, this is the reason why God does not interfere in the way you wish. As Humans, a walking, talking mess of imperfections, it is our job to learn and grow through our pain towards the state of compassion. The Universal Balance mandates we have both sides to allow us discernment. You are never given a task you and God cannot handle together, if you are connected spiritually. Please don’t misunderstand me here. You can certainly go to your minister for counseling or sit down with your sacred book or church family. But you couldn’t do that if you didn’t feel a trust in those things.  But they are still on the outside of you. Silent prayer or medication is connecting to the inside on a personal level. It allows you to stand equal or eye-to-eye to your Creator, knowing you are a part of it all. Knowing your energy or being cannot be denied because the Universe cannot do without you. You were created to be a part of the Universal Balance. Over the years I have met people who thought they had absolute control over everything, yet would fall apart in minor scenarios because she felt there was no one around when she needed guidance. Then there’s the mother whose child died in her arms. She went to meditation and prayer. The mother went to that part of herself she felt was connected to God. She knew the sacred book held words, the minister held words or prayer, but God held her. The connection to her spirituality helped her to understand she didn’t have any control over what happened to her child. Yes, she would cry softly for her child during her grieving, but she would learn to smile for the blessed time her child had been with her. This is the gift of Spirituality. Through your connection with and to the Creator, you understand you cannot know all the mysteries; you are a minor but important and intricate part of all that is; you are never alone; there is always counsel available no matter how large or small the problem. More important, you know you are loved. We can touch that spirituality within us, feel its embrace, and smile as it comforts us. As imperfect humans, we are free to also get angry with the Spirit to whom we feel connected, to blame it even for things over which we have control. We need to vent. We need to maintain that delicate balance between love and hate, well-being and pain. The spirituality within us knows for an absolute certain we can be human at all times, even if it is hurtful. When given the choice, no one asks for abuse or to hurt. But abuse can change you, causes you to be someone you don’t want to be. Just because you are spiritual doesn’t mean you are going to have all the answers to your behavior changes or the answers to how you can change into the person you envision yourself to be. It does, however, give you the courage to seek out what you need to know, and the people you need to contact. It gives you the peace of mind in knowing you have choices. You can choose to face your abuse, thereby allowing your ego to accept what has happened, and give yourself the opportunity to change the affects of abuse. I used to teach people how to find things they think they lost. The brain never forgets. If they lost something, I would instruct them to sit quietly and calm their minds. When their minds were blank they were to ask, “If I were a -----, where would I be?” Whatever the first word or image that came up in the blank space in the brain was where the lost object would be. It never fails to work because the brain never forgets; and in a relaxed state will remember. Using the same methodology, you can find the direction you need to go to help you change the affects of trauma. The Universe always guides you in the direction you are to travel on your life’s journey, if you look or listen. If you sit quietly in a quiet place and ask, “What shall I do to stop hating (as an example)?” Wait for the answer. If it comes fast, it is the ego. The ego always wants to defend and is up front of things. Wait longer and listen or watch. If more than a word or two is needed, it will usually be a picture, an image. No, this isn’t crazy; and, no, it is not being Schizophrenic, either. Your soul knows what you need to do. The ego gets in the way because it thinks it’s fighting for and protecting you. Wait longer. The answer will usually be slow, deliberate, and distinct. It takes work to recognize and get past the ego. Practice sitting silently and go into the void within you. It seems dark, but you will eventually see the light that is your connection to that which is greater than you. The letting go is going to be one of the hardest things to do for someone who is hurting because when you hurt you want control of your situation, protect yourself, and stop hurting. Letting go of any part of you seems like your opening yourself up to vulnerability, allowing things or people to hurt you. Working spiritually, everything is done within you. Nothing outside of you will touch that part of you; nothing can hurt that part of you. This is the time between you and your Creator. No one or nothing else matters! Not a book, a group, rules, or a church. It is just you and the One who loves you most as you are, at any given time. The One who embraces you during your screw-up’s and says, “Child, it’s okay.” The time to do this is according to where you are on your path to change and the level of your self-esteem, but more importantly, how willing and ready you are to let go. When you embrace the spirit within you, you feel how tender, gentle, kind, all loving, nonjudgmental, noncritical, and God’s totally acceptance of who you are. This connection gives you the courage to stand up to the elements and beings that would tear you down. It gives you the intellect to inform yourself that you are not the pain or the trauma; that you didn’t ask for it; and that you didn’t deserve it. When you spend enough time with your inner self and you are on your healing path, you will come to understand you are beautiful, have worth, are loved, and are loving.  Know you are loved, Lady

Do Your Cells Remember Trauma?

January/February 2010 – Do Your Cells Remember Trauma?  © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli A few minutes of trauma creating a lifetime of work is impressive; but the idea of it affecting your body’s cellular memory amazed me. Completing my book was the end of my journey into myself. So I thought until I got my comeuppance. Walked into a class 30 minutes early and walked into a full room of people attending the Alexander Technique Introduction. Intrigued, I sat down. 30 Minutes later, when the class left the room and went upstairs to finish the intro, I knew I’d be signing up. http://www.alexandertechnique.com/at.htm  "is a method that works to change (movement) habits in our everyday activities. It is a simple and practical method for improving ease and freedom of movement, balance, support and coordination. The technique teaches the use of the appropriate amount of effort for a particular activity, giving you more energy for all your activities. It is not a series of treatments or exercises, but rather a reeducation of the mind and body. The Alexander Technique is a method which helps a person discover a new balance in the body by releasing unnecessary tension. It can be applied to sitting, lying down, standing, walking, lifting, and other daily activities..." You can probably buy books on the internet, but I wanted hands-on classroom participation. The classes are small, providing individual attention for personal issues like my Spinal Stinosis. Going through the motions and instructions on how to sit, I was at first miffed at paying money for something I already knew how to do. However – a big however here – I discovered the simple act of keeping my head down slightly as I rose up from a chair or sat down, using my legs, relieved the pain in my lower back for the first time since…well, I can’t remember. Tickled with myself, I pumped up and down like an engine valve, marveling at the idea of standing and sitting without pain. I had been putting my head back and, unknowingly pulling the small muscles all the way down my spine, pulling on the small bones around my spine enough to pinch nerves. I had been using things around me to assist my getting up – not using my legs, like I used to do. I practiced this all the rest of the day. Getting out of bed the next morning, I nearly went to the floor. My thighs were so sore and tender like they hadn’t been since racketball days. The tenderness in my thighs caused me to wonder about the rest of my body and what I was doing wrong to stress it even more. At the next class Michele Drivon, our instructor, explained how things coming at us through stress can change our posture right down to even sitting in the chair. The statement reminded me of my butt in my computer chair for more than two years writing a book and the bypass surgery several months later. Stress, even your outlook on life, can impact your physical being in ways you cannot imagine. My shoulders were forward, my back was slightly rounded, and I looked out of the bottom of my eyes through imaginary bifocals (though I did wear them for several years), with my head tilted back. When Michele used her hands in moving my head down where it should be as it rested on the top of my spine, I immediately felt an emotion come up. So surprised, I didn’t hear the rest of what she said. If you imagine a string attached to the top of your crown and pulling on it, your head will seem to rise above your neck about an inch. This positions your eyes down slightly, causing you to open your eyes wider as you look forward, similar to a child-like look of wonder. This also elongates your spine, opening it up. I sat there wondering why I felt offended at my head being placed into a position of humility. “…Aaahh…humility,” I thought, the operative word. My reaction was not her placing my head in the place of humility, but putting my head out of the defensive position. I chuckled thinking how I must have looked with head always in a position that said, “You talking to me? You have a problem with it?” Until then I didn’t know I was actually daring people by placing my head in the position that said, “Go ahead. Take your best shot.” Michele explained the head should be positioned as though a string were attached to the top at the back of your heat and running all the way down to the center of your pelvic bone – your private place between your legs. In a private yoga session a week later from someone who instructs yoga teachers, he, too, said sitting on the bottom of your pelvic bone keeps your spine aligned and appropriately curved, as opposed to rolling onto the back side of your pelvic bone as reclined in a lounge chair. I’m betting this is where you are sitting right now at your computer while reading this newsletter. It was strange thinking about sitting on the bottom of my pelvic bone because that also had me touching my pubic area more. I had not been aware of the emotional sensitivity regarding that area. These are little, minute, things reminding me that my body hadn’t forgotten the sexual assaults of the past. The tiny touches kept me attached by thin tiny threads, like sitting on the back of my pelvis just so I don’t touch that area that had been so badly abused. It was more than amazing. I recalled someone telling me traumas don’t just affect the mind, but they can also affect the body on a cellular level. I’ve had Shiatsu Massage training where I learned that even as cells divide in the womb, they carry the memory of being a part of that first cell. (Shiatsu uses touch on acupuncture sites rather than needles.) This cellular memory is why Acupuncture works. Every cellular system of your body is attached to other cellular systems through memory; even when dealing with parts of the body that don’t seem to have anything to do with the original disease or imbalance. It struck me, “If my body remembers everything through touch….” My brain whirled as it sped. Several people have shared how they can still feel the part of the leg that had been amputated, long, long after surgery. My dentist laughed at me when I told him the middle tooth of the bridge in my lower jaw was hurting. He reminded me the center tooth was false, that the two on either side were on real teeth. It was amazing comprehending how our brain can put a pain into something synthetic when glued to our anatomy. This knowledge gave meaning to proposing that trauma to a part of the body can be emotionally felt years after the fact. During the Yoga session, it took a bit to get my foot into my hand to draw it back, stretching my hamstrings. Feeling the stretch, it realized I had been protecting my person because I didn’t want to hurt any more…on any level. It was a minor pain that went away as soon as I released my foot, as most of you are aware who have deliberately stretched your muscles during warm-ups. I had protected my body in many ways, tiny ways to keep from hurting. This protection harmed me as it kept me from exercising as I should. Back in the Alexander Technique class we went through walking, getting out of bed and lying down. After seeing what body parts touched what, I became acutely aware of every move and understood why I had changed my stance and movements through the years. Understood the protection I placed myself in and under to keep from hurting. I also knew this is the reason I stopped exercising; became squeamish at some physical activities; my fears stemming from not wanting to hurt myself. The body does remember the pain and the touch causing the pain. It remembers, on a cellular level, each part of the body connecting to another. I.E., the hand poised to strike causing pain on the shoulder/arm long enough to travel to your head for headaches, or in your back muscles from tensing so much. Every time you get stressed, your body remembers on some level, which is why sometimes you may experience pain where you don’t remember anything touching that part of your body. My body is so accustomed to automatically going into hyper mode during any kind of stress, no matter how small, my Shingles stayed with me. The site get sore and tender, break out into blisters, itch as they healed and receded, only to break out again close by, more often than not, before the old site healed. Through awareness of my body from the Alexander Technique and yoga, I learned to relax on different levels. Recently, relaxing in a different way and learning to chill during stress while bringing my awareness to the Shingles site, they actually left without fully breaking out. They still haven’t returned. I don’t have all the answers to the why of trauma affecting your body. But be aware that while you are healing/changing your mental attitude through therapy, you need to know that trauma can affect your cellular body. It will hold the memory of the pain of the trauma until awareness informs it otherwise. One needs to do whatever one has to do to complete the healing phases with the mental through the emotional and the physical. I offer this to those of who are tired of working or are despondent over the idea of doing more. Look upon this phase of your journey as a kind of housecleaning by way of traveling through your body. Start with your head, tossing out what is not needed; saying no to what will not benefit you. Move on to the emotion and ask, “What will you have me do?” Your soul knows, even if the ego doesn’t. Listen with an opened mind and wait for the answer. If it comes fast, it is the ego. Wait for the longer answer. It will come. I promise you. Finally, look at your posture, or have someone else do for you if you can’t trust your own critiquing. Look deep with awareness where the trauma has affected your person then deliberately correct it, always maintaining your awareness. Self-awareness puts you in control. And isn’t that what it’s all about?  Know you are loved, Lady

PTSD Can Program Your Body

November-December 2009 - Behaviors and Patterns © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli Each time I look at the calendar and know a newsletter is due I wonder what I’ll be writing about and how long I’ll keep it up. But something always avails itself and needs sharing. This time I wish to talk about how PTSD, and sometimes trauma, can program our bodies. In the Nutritional Certification part of my Holistic Health Practitioner program, we had to become aware of our bodies regarding the time we crave, why we crave, and why we don’t really want to eat anything. We also had to survey our lifestyles and just generally check into our own health. Thinking I was more aware than the average person, I again was thrown for a loop when I discovered Inflammation of the Autoimmune System was a part of my overall health scenario. After I got over my hissy fit of not being aware sooner, I sat down and did a day by day, activity by activity analysis of what was really going on with me, my diet, my sleep patterns…everything. Yes, it was Inflammation but I discovered I was having mini stresses throughout the day. I equate mini stresses to mini strokes in which you can have them but may not always be aware of the tiny strokes, but also the effect they may have on your body. Since my flashback I have learned that stress triggers hormones, affecting brain patterns, body functions, and the autoimmune system. The following two sites explain the how, why, and what happens. Women to Women read’s, “When faced with a stressful situation, our bodies rely on the adrenal glands sitting atop our kidneys to monitor our “fight or flight” response. For the most part, our stress response evolved from short-term events — crises that came and went. If we had to run from a predator, for example, our healthy adrenal glands responded by releasing adrenaline, which makes us more alert and focused, and cortisol, which converts protein to energy and releases our stored sugar, glycogen, so our bodies have the fuel needed to respond quickly. In concert, the adrenal response rapidly increases our heart and respiratory rates and blood pressure while releasing energy, tensing our muscles, sharpening our senses, and slowing our digestion so we are primed to escape or fight back, whichever is needed. When the threat is gone, the body returns to normal — quickly with respect to adrenaline levels, less quickly with respect to cortisol.” “But in today’s society, women are inundated with stress — stress that doesn’t let up. And when chronic stress repeatedly forces the adrenal glands to sustain high levels of cortisol, two things happen: first, the adrenals can’t attend to their broader role in hormonal regulation because the same resources they use to make hormones like estrogen are required to make cortisol, and second, cortisol starts to damage healthy tissues. Eventually, adrenal fatigue sets in, and many women experience symptoms such as weight gain, fatigue, insomnia, fuzzy thinking, depression, cravings and mood swings. Once the adrenals become depleted, it can lead to adrenal exhaustion and much more serious health concerns.” Another site, Natural Ways reads, “Even though the fight or flight response may be over, the resistance reaction allows the body to continue fighting the stressor long after the effects of our alarm system have gone off. When this state of emergency is maintained for unrelieved periods of time, the body's reserves become depleted and the immune system is weakened….” “When adrenal function is impaired or weak…the organs begin to weaken and other health related problems can set in, such as hypoglycemia.” “Some of the common causes that contribute to adrenal exhaustion are continued stress, poor diet, over-consumption of sugar and refined carbohydrates, overuse of caffeine, alcohol, drugs, nicotine, and vitamin B and C deficiencies. Unfortunately, the body reacts the same way to both real and imagined threats….” “…In some fatigued patients, thyroid problems overlap adrenal problems. In these cases, the status of the adrenal glands and the thyroid gland must be assessed. The appropriate treatment should be undertaken only after this determination is made.” Signs and Symptoms: Fatigue, weakness, depression, frustration, premenstrual tension, nervousness, scanty perspiration, inability to concentrate, lightheadedness, sweet craving, irritability, insomnia, allergies, headaches.” Checking with my patterns I discovered one of my little mini stresses would sometimes be when speaking with someone. I would try to bring up a word and when I couldn’t, would have a mini stress triggering a mini memory lapse. The more I tried to bring up the word, the worse it got. Many were the times I would also crave a snack or something to drink after these mini stresses. Eventually, I realized the snacks were part of the patterns created by anxiety releasing hormones that make me think I was hungry. My PTSD has been with me a lifetime and a lot of these “little habits” stemming from mini stresses became “programmed” over time. Today, aware of what’s happening, I’ll extend one finger during a conversation, take a deep breath, wait a moment, and the forgotten word or sentence usually pops into my head. I am also changing my programming in other ways. I refuse to allow myself to get stressed by not giving in to situations; setting things aside for later, or just walking away from them. I’m aware my being retired makes it is easier for me than for most of you. But you can still learn little ways of taking breaks by resting your mind, breathing deeply to relax, or just sitting quietly for a few moments to rest the brain to ease off the mini stress. I also don’t feel guilty about putting off functions or staying away from church because I need the time away from people. My church family may not understand, but God does. In truth, you don’t even have to have PTSD to be programmed. Most traumas can set in behaviors similar to programming. As a child, whenever my mother was depressed, we kids got fed. It became a habit to feed my ego by feeding my body because it was quick, usually simple, and I didn’t have to trust anyone else to do it. Becoming aware of your body and discerning what needs to be done to correct the programming is going to take time – for the discernment and correction. If your physician, psychiatrist, or therapist can’t help you, there are alternative health care practitioners who can. In truth, it was gratifying to know that some of my behaviors were not actually my doing, but my body’s. The knowledge also took away a lot of the guilt. Curious, again, we are what we eat. It always seems to come down to food or “what we feed ourselves.” Know You Are Loved, Lady

Feeding Your Emotions

September/October 2009 Newsletter © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli   Man has four elements to his being: spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional. I have counseled the spiritual and mental. When I obtained my Herbology Certification, I counseled for the physical. In all those years I felt something was missing and couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. Last year I enrolled in a natural medicine course for a Holistic Health Practitioner (HHP) Degree. Holistic Health is an alternative approach involving the whole person: mind, body, and spirit. Well, there you are! Three of the aspects again; the fourth is still missing. Or so I thought. I’m going to share here that I didn’t understand why I enrolled in the course. But I was guided and so obeyed. Even when HHP was explained I didn’t understand why I was compelled to enroll. I am an avid believer in the idea of when confronted with a thing more than once, it needs to be addressed...whether I want to or not. Throughout the Nutritional part of the HHP course I kept coming up with the word Ayurveda. On the website it is explained in simple language and gives as much detail as you want of the India form of alternative medicine. Those in Ayurveda will tell you it isn’t a medicine but a Science of Life. When I received an email offering a 9-week course in Ayurveda workshops, well…. Midway into the first night, the instructor said Ayurveda was designed for the emotions. Something clicked inside my head and I said, “What?” and felt foolish for my outburst. I couldn’t believe my ears. He went on to say there were eating programs for emotions as well. From then on my brain turned into a sponge. The Ayurvedic terminology is like learning a foreign language, but I have been encouraged by the idea that there are only 100 words one needs to learn in Ayurvedic Medicine. Ayurveda breaks the body types down to three Doshes. These Doshes pertain to your emotional person at the time you’re having issues, or if your body is not in balance because of your emotions. Ironically, food plays a large role in our emotions and affects differently each mood or state of emotions we are in at the time of ingestion. Foods and body types are defined even further by senses and tastes. One can either discern their body type through literature obtained online or contact an Ayurvedic Counselor. There may be some suggested supplements for a body type compatibly used with the food program, assisting the body back into balance. Ayurveda herbs easily reach into the cells of the body without the usual side effects as with pharmaceutical medicine. They were very effective with me. There is an old truism: “Search for it and it will be elusive. Stop searching and it will come to you when you are ready.” A long time ago I stopped seeking for what I wanted because when I forced the search and obtained what I was looking for, I lost more than I gained. I trust in Guidance now. I put out into the Universe what I want then wait.  When I’m ready a teacher always appears. In the Ayurveda I found the missing fourth element and at a time in my life when I most needed it. To share on a personal level, my having PTSD had stressed my body to the point of my Autoimmune System (AI) becoming inflamed. I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome; always got sick in the winter time; developed Type II Diabetes; Psoriasis; Eczema; and Granuloma Annular (GAs) which are little red circles on the skin near the knuckles (when left alone to grow, look like ring worm). They would not go away, no matter how often they were treated. Recently, my Dermatologist stated my GA was caused by Inflammation but he didn’t explain what was inflamed. The timing of the Ayurvedic class was incredible because my AI System had gone on a rampage. My spirituality was fine and my emotional/mental state was agitated because nothing was working for my physical being. Again, when addressed with a thing more than once, and with me it’s four times, I address it. I made an appointment with Joseph, the Ayurvedic instructor. I explained how whenever I was sick I craved ice cream because it seemed to move out of my body whatever made me ill. I explained my PTSD and the emotional and mental changes I had gone through in past few years. He asked, “When you ate the ice cream the last time you were sick, did it work as in the past?” I thought about it for a moment and said, “No,” and sat in silence at the wonder of it. “That’s because you’ve changed,” he stated matter-of-factly. Simplicity is usually over my head about ¼ of an inch and right then I was drowning in his statement. Staring at him, Joseph let me sit and allow my brain do the best it could in taking it all in. It was incredible to think our body’s physical patterns could actually not only change in relation to our healed or unhealed emotions, but also by what we eat. It stands to reason our food can change the emotions, thereby, in some cases, can change the physical body. It took several days to think through the whole circling process regarding food in relation to emotion. It made sense. Holistic Health deals with mind, body, and spirit of an individual on a level where when one element is affected, the others are affected. When you approach one of the three to bring it into balance, the others will naturally come along – good or bad. This also explains how we crave a food in one moment and in the next moment be turned off by the same food because our emotions have changed. So profound and yet, so simple. It even explains why we crave food. It also makes me wonder what is craving the food, our body or our emotion. Ayurveda can help your body go through its healing process by feeding your emotions in a healthy way that can even turn your emotions around. We most often eat to satisfy ourselves or to fill a void. If the right foods were ingested, the body would not only feel full and satisfied, it could change the emotions to positive ones; thereby allowing good feelings. Anyone can heal in a positive environment. I took the 3 herbs and am also gradually changing my food regime, though it is difficult at times as I tend to want to slide back into my old comfort foods. In 3 weeks my sugar readings were normal and on some occasions, reading below normal. My Psoriasis is gone, as well as my Eczema. My GAs? They have stopped growing and are very slowly disappearing with a couple of them gone altogether. All this clearly indicates to me that the Inflammation of my Immune System is slowly healing itself. By the way, Inflammation can also interfere with sleep patterns by preventing a restful sleep. I’m not suggesting everyone take supplements, especially without consulting your physician. But I am suggesting that if what is now going on in your life is not working, you need to do your homework and seek other alternatives that will work with you are already doing. When I did herbal counseling, 95% of my clients’ problems came from the foods they were eating. They supplemented their diet with the understanding the supplements were temporary and there needed to be changes in their eating habits for the rest of their lives. Otherwise, the problems could return. “You are what you eat” took on a whole new meaning.   Know you are loved, Lady

PTSD and Memory

July/August 2009 – PTSD and Memory © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli A young man recently related the problems he’s been having with his memory. He wasn’t able to do the same things in college Math as he could in high school, even though there were the same math equations, and was deeply concerned. After ruling out other possibilities, I told him to take it easy on himself because it would pass. He was diagnosed with PTSD and is in therapy. We then discussed how PTSD, especially after a flashback, can really mess with the chemicals in your brain. Explaining the chemical imbalances are too lengthy and complicated to put into a newsletter so I suggest you talk with your therapist or do your research on the internet. Googling serotonin uptake inhibitors will get you started. Depression; insomnia; mood swings; and abuse of alcohol, food, drug, money spending, and sex are just a few symptoms of PTSD. These attributes are used by your ego to make yourself feel good. But your ego in constant need of feeling good, you continue abusing those things you think make you feel better. For me, some of these symptoms disappeared after the flashback. If you experienced a flashback then you know it has spewed negative memories and emotions from the past that will not be denied or held down. The act of suppressing or denying your past trauma before the flashback has set up chemical imbalances in your brain; while at the same time your brain fights to set up a chemical balance so you can deal with your present. My personal experience indicates we go through both sets of chemicals at the same time while processing our path of change. I use the term “change” because I’ve come to believe the word healing can be misleading and a way of saying you’re sick. You are not sick. Something has happened to change you and you need to look it, not to necessarily correct it because you cannot change the past, but to change the effects caused by the trauma. Comfused? So was I. The medication I took after the initial flashback was so strong; I needed a sleep aid to help me during the first 28 days of getting used to the medication and for 28 days getting off the medication a year later. Though it greatly concerned me, I stayed on the meds for my own survival. Even with medications and going through therapy, my memory was still sporadic, uneven, quirky…there were moments I was sure I was either in twilight zone; others were playing games with me; or I was just plain losing it. Before the flashback I could remember phone numbers and appointment dates 6 months past and had a semi-photographic memory. The day after my flashback I forgot what I had read on the bulletin board after walking 8 feet away from it. All I could do during therapy was deal with things on a daily basis, keep strong notes, used memory aids, dealt with projects or problems in small segments and not try looking at the whole picture. Doing otherwise just worsened matters. Relating to others my having PTSD and needing a moment to think made it easier for them, as well. For 6 months, each day was a struggle with counseling every 2 weeks. I learned the frustration of looking at the “what ifs.” You take your sessions, think about them in relation to how things affected you, learn why it affected you, grieve for yourself then go about planning on how to change those affects. This is a slow process and can sometimes be maddening because you want so much to speed through it. And do take the time to grieve whenever you need it. It makes the process easier. At the same time, it’s very difficult dealing with the present when half of your brain is still in the past. The battle between the past and the present can also put you in a nowhere zone. The medication I took dealt with the depression created by the chemical imbalance, which suppressed the serotonin, which created depression…and on and on went the vicious cycle. After I went off the meds, I used supplements such as 5-HTP, a natural serotonin derived from an African vine Grifonia simplicifolia. Vitamin B complex with Vitamin C was also taken because stress depletes them in your body, causing fatigue and depression. Gradually, with patience and self-compassion, things changed. Writing my book and going back to my childhood and coming forward chronologically, I understood what negative behaviors were created after the abuses and why and how the changes allowed me to cope. Going back and meeting who you were during and after the trauma takes no more courage than it took to live through each day since the trauma. Your abuse was painful. But once you understand you were not at fault, you can control how the memories of the trauma affect you. Remember: Memories cannot hurt you. Once I learned it wasn’t my fault, the knowledge gave me the courage to gradually love myself; the patience to change that which needed changing; let go of those things that didn’t really matter; and learn tolerance towards those who abused me. Art and creativity need to come into the picture. The ability to express yourself quietly in your art lends a tremendous benefit when you can do it quietly and without having to explain it. Expressing yourself from within and using your senses, you touch on elements even you don’t understand. The changes taking place by using your senses and touching your emotions is the same as if you journeyed your abuse on paper. You will actually see your growth in your art. I would usually ask my clients to take a pot of dirt, put in a seed, and watch it grow. Most are reluctant to do this because they know deep in their soul that nurturing a plant is the same as nurturing themselves. This reality, when pointed out to them, shows how low their self-esteem is. Once they get that pot and nurture it they usually end up having a small garden of flowers or vegetables. Creativity nurtures all of our senses and balms your hurts and pains. It also allows you a means of escape from your pain and time.   Internal growth gradually changed the chemical imbalance in the brain simply because the anger dissipated, leaving me more at peace. Remember, trauma angers you because you have no control. The major changes took about 3.5 years. Each change had to settle into my psyche for it to see some of the emotions related to the abuse were no longer needed as protection or coping mechanisms. Positive changes happened in ways I could not detect, much in the same way the negative changes took place after the trauma. One is usually never conscious of what really goes on in the psyche after a trauma, especially how or what it will affect. And the changes are slow and gradual. The more I understood, the more the negative behaviors changed; though in the beginning they were erratic. And you are not always going to know when these changes happen. Some days, the change will be dramatic. My rape caused me to physically stop feeling below my waist, so someone usually had to tell me when my leg was bleeding. Imagine my surprise when I deeply cut my legs on a vine and felt pain in my legs for the first time in over 40 years. Each major change needs to deal with the five stages of death, though not necessarily all of them nor in the order given, which is: denial, anger, blame, grief, and acceptance. The small positive changes came later. Curiously, the thing about small changes is their quantity – so many little bits and pieces. Behaviors were so large before, I never saw the small, subtle ones. These usually dealt with how I reacted, or didn’t react, to people and society in general. Abusers in a family are not usually educated in “social graces” and are usually abusers, alcoholics, or addicts and have a sense of humor harboring negative repercussions. This is where I had to learn new social graces; not an easy task since I couldn’t always see how others view me. Still working on that. People will tell you that in time you can go back to doing the things you did in the past. This is true regarding your abilities. But allow me to caution you. As you face your “demons,” you will change from who you were. Just recently I brought forward talents from the past and used them in our community library. I saw so clearly in others the “stuff” I recognized in my own past behavior patterns, it startled me. I also realized having faced those behaviors in myself, I didn’t want to deal with them in others while working with them. Once was enough, thank you. You also become aware of how your viewpoints have changed, along with your interests and desires. And the biggie is how huge your attitude change is. You will want different friends because as you have become stronger, you will want strong people around you. Actually, some of the weak ones from the past usually drop of because they will see your change and know you are no longer like them. You do attract personalities similar to yours. The downside to this is it can make for a lonely life while you go through the transitions. But you are worth it. Having people around you will not be necessary and you actually learn to use the solitude to honor yourself. In summary, PTSD victims do have genuine memory problems due to the chemical imbalances in the brain. But as you go through therapy and create your changes and let go of what you cannot, chemicals in the brain will change for the better. You gradually grow while a lot of your negative behaviors slowly go away without effort on your part. This is not to say you won’t always be on medication or that all negative behaviors are all going to go away. Each individual and their paths are unique. What I am saying is you will change for the better with perseverance, self-compassion, and acceptance of who you were and are to become. In time your memory problems will most often correct itself. My memory is almost as good as it once was. Though I confess after 5 years, it can be a little quirky at times. When I get under a small amount of stress to recall a thing, I can’t always pull it up in the moment, but eventually do when I’m relaxed. Don’t be in a hurry to change all your behaviors. You can’t force the ego when it isn’t ready, and it will not be pushed. Let it go through its stages and it will work with you. Have patience with yourself. It takes time for things to change and there is no quick fix. But I can promise you this: in most cases, creating positive changes will not take near as long as your ego took in creating the negative ones. Walk in peace and know you are loved, Lady

Taking Things In

May/June 2009 –  Happy Anniversary and Taking Things In © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli This month is the 1st anniversary of our Open Window Newsletter. A lot of things have happened over the year, including changes on our website and new products. We will be adding a new page to our site this month titled Floating Thoughts. This is a page for my thoughts and insights and for others who wish to share theirs. This page will change every 7-10 days, so you will need to visit www.peacewithptsd.org to catch the continual changes and go through the contact page to send us your insights or thoughts at large or email us at lady@peacewithptsd.org.                                                                 ~                                                        ~                                                  ~                                                           ~ There is a website called End the Silence Campaign regarding sexual assault, which you can reach by clicking on www.endthesilencecampaign.org. Look for the page where you can send in your poetry, art, or story regarding your experiences. http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=73325088822  is where they are located on Facebook where you can also share. This is a good chance for you to spread the word about sexual assaults and support others with the courage to share.                                                                 ~                                                        ~                                                   ~                                                         ~ Taking Things In Masaru Emoto is the author of The True Power of Water. This is not his first book, but it is the first one I’ve read. He majored in American-Chinese Relations at the Department of International Relations, the Faculty of Humanities and Sciences. His background is in liberal arts. He encountered the wonder and mystery of water in 1987 when, working in the trading business at the time, one of his counterparts introduced him to a type of water used to work on his foot pain. His fascination led him to study water deeply and learned to photograph frozen water crystals. Over time and through his photographs, he became convinced water took in information.  His book proves his theory. Mr. Emoto’s photographs show how polluted water cannot form a perfect six-sided crystal, the sign of healthy water. He has photographed water from around the world in various stages of clean to unhealthy. Each time, the frozen crystals depicted the state of the water. He then took his theory of water taking in messages to his laboratory. He and his assistant would tape messages on paper and place it so the words faced the water then. After a short while they would then freeze some of the water from the bottle and photograph the crystals. He has proven water takes in messages or, as some believe, reflects the energy or emotions of the individual who wrote the note. Through his photographs and lectures over several years, he has proven over and over water being affected by its surroundings on the cellular level. This whole concept of water taking on what is said to it put into my mind the idea of how people take on what they are told, which started a roller-coaster ride of how words and thoughts affect us. You, too, take on what people say to you until the abuse becomes the self-defacing aspects of low self-esteem. You believe it to be true because it happened to you. Right? If someone thinks you’re ugly enough to be abused, are you not ugly? If someone tells you you’re not worthy of anything, are you not unworthy? Low self-esteem can make you sick; cause depression; cause you to see or hear what is not real; and in some cases help you create a reality is based on pain and your thoughts. Then my thoughts flipped to the other side. If you tell yourself you are beautiful, are you not? If you tell yourself you have worth and deserve respect, do you not believe it? I often wonder if during repeated abuse, what happens if, at least once, someone hears someone say something positive about themselves and it catches on. Something grows inside and it starts maintaining the person as sort of an inner protection device. I have seen this happen to several teenagers raised in abusive homes. Get them with an organization or someone who sees something good in them, they will nurture it and hopefully have something to counterbalance the abuse as well as give them another perspective into who they are or can be. I’m simplifying things here. But I do know words or physical abuse is remembered on a cellular level and will eventually show itself, if there is nothing to counteract it. Even if you ignore them, your ears still hear the words, or your body remembers the physical touch. Mr. Emoto shows it clearly when he photographed two bottles of microwaved water. One had no label; the other had the label “love and gratitude.” The blank label showed nothing but a circle of water with nothing in the center. The “love and gratitude,” microwaved at the same time as the other bottle, photographed a beautiful six-sided crystal with a solid center. Again and again Mr. Emoto proves his point. Healthy water creates a healthy person. Polluted water has been abused and will not photograph a frozen 6-sided crystal. Instead, it freezes into a warped crystal, sometimes missing a point or more, and sometimes no points. It also proves, which is critical here, even polluted water will photograph a perfect 6-sided crystal if cleaned up and shown gratitude. Anything created as a 6-sided object is the creation of perfection. A bee cell is 6-sided and to a Native American 6 is a sacred number. Quartz crystals are 6-sided. Look up the number 6 on the internet and learn more.   Mr. Emoto states how physicians use the “placebo effect” by convincing people a particular medicine is working on an imagined ailment; or sometimes convince the patient the placebo is a strong medicine, and it helps cure the illness. How many times have you convinced yourself a thing was real (what you saw or heard) when in fact it was just your imagination? You are not born loving yourself; this is something learned. When you are abused, even one time, and the love factor is not there to counteract the abuse, some of you will be convinced you deserved it. Feeling unworthy, you will take what someone says or does as fact and take it in. You take it into yourself just as the water takes in the messages of what it is shown. Flip the coin around. You can convince yourself the other person abusing you is the one with the low self-esteem and you are okay. Anyone with high self-esteem would not abuse anyone. The individual abusing you has a very low opinion of themselves and must debase you or put you down in order to lift themselves up. This is what is happening when abuse takes place. It is a matter of one human being lowering another so they can feed on the power of feeling bigger or taller, when, in truth, the abuser is the one on the bottom of the pole. The abuser is the one with issues – not you. You are okay. It’s a given bad things happen to good people. Rather than spending the energy figuring out why it happens to you, spend the energy in understanding what you can learn from the experience. How can it make you a better person? Don’t stand there saying, “Woe is me.” This is the same as taking it in. Put it outside of yourself and say, “What is this showing me? What can I learn?” This is not an easy thing to do. It takes a while to learn self-love and get to a place of self-compassion. I did it by stepping outside of the situation and looking at it from a third-view perspective. If need be, pretend you are someone else viewing the situation from all sides through their eyes. If you step outside of yourself, you can see all sides of a situation. You will get to the point of saying, “What happened here?” rather than, “Oh, what did I do?” which is making it personal. If you do this long enough and often enough, it will become a healthy habit.   Know you are loved, Lady

5-HTP and New Sharing

March/April, 2009 – 5-HTP and New Sharing © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli I received the following email: “My name is Timothy Cavanaugh and I’m the National Awareness Coordinator for the Mesothelioma Cancer Center (asbestos.com). I’m also a Veteran; I served in the Air Force as a Combat Controller. While I was browsing through a number of government assistance and veterans’ sites, I came across your website and was very impressed by the information you have listed. Countless veterans are currently suffering from life-threatening illnesses that are a result of exposure to asbestos, a material that was commonly used in hundreds of military applications, products, and ships primarily because of its resistance to fire.  Unfortunately, asbestos-related diseases are not always recognized by the VA, which is why we’ve hired a knowledgeable 24-year navy veteran that can assist those affected by asbestos-related diseases with filing for VA benefits. The Mesothelioma Cancer Center provides a complete list of occupations, ships, and shipyards that could have put our Veterans at risk for developing asbestos-related diseases. In addition, they have thousands of articles regarding asbestos and Mesothelioma and we’ve even created a veterans-specific section on their website in order to help inform veterans about the dangers of asbestos exposure.  I figured you might be interested in including a link to our site on your resources page at peacewithptsd.org/gpage6.html. Please let me know if you are interested. I'm available by e-mail at tim(@)asbestos.com or calling me directly at 407-965-5755. With your help, we can educate our vets and hopefully save some lives.  Thanks again.” Tim has been added to the designated page. If you click on the designated site in the first paragraph above, it will take you to the site for veterans.                                                   *                             *                                *                             * A gentleman by the name of Hub contacted me after finding our website. He wrote, “Thanks,” and wanted to share the following: Collateral Damage      We tried a new Thai place today for lunch.  Sitting there I glanced now and again at the TV on the wall in the corner.  Between coverage of a Chinese earthquake and a Burmese cyclone words scrolling along the bottom of the screen caught my eye.  Someone is trying to get the Purple Heart approved for vets with PTSD.  I mention this to my wife and suddenly, she weeps. That’s never happened before.   A Mud Wasp Dances at My Door Step   (The sting came later)      A mud wasp dances at my doorstep.       Ducking, diving, working on.       He is not bothered by me, nor I, by him.       I find him fascinating and even come to envy him - especially his purpose.       If only I had such purpose, maybe then everything would be OK.      He disappears into his hole and before I realize it      I am again in that ditch, in that desert, sirens wailing, pounding boots scraping, sucking rubber.       Again I manage to escape  - just barely.      Another close one,  but I hang on.       In a blink, and a shake of my head      I’m back in South Texas watching a mud wasp dance at my door step.                                                                                             Hub                                                   *                               *                              *                               * Recently, when I found myself under a great deal of stress, I recalled a psychiatrist at the VA Hospital telling me they had prescribed 5-HTP for their veterans in the past. In my situation, when I get stressed, my hormones get really stupid (meaning they know better but do obnoxious things anyway). Under stress, I lose sleep, hair, and patience, gain weight, have odd moods, and get witchy. 5-HTP is made from the herb Griffonia simplicifolia, an African vine. According to Wikipedia, “5-Hydroxytryptophan or 5-HTP is a naturally occurring amino acid, a precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin and an intermediate in tryptophan metabolism. It is marketed in the United States and other countries as a dietary supplement for use as an antidepressant, appetite suppressant, and sleep aid, however, according to a 2001 meta-analysis, insufficient high quality research has been done to establish that it is efficacious.[1]”  I am not recommending you take the 5-htp, especially if you are on other anti-depressant drugs. In fact, I strongly suggest you talk to your physician before you take anything over the counter. I took the 5-htp before my flashback in 2003 when I couldn’t sleep, but it either wasn’t enough or I didn’t give it enough time to take hold. In any case, it changed things only a little and I went off of it. I did take the medication prescribed by the VA Doctor. But then my GAF score only 30, which is not very functional, I needed something stronger. That was then, this is now. Stress releases certain hormones from the adrenal gland, which can trigger other hormones, throughout the body, expecially in the brain where we release hormones blocking our short-term memories and cause weight gain. And when really out-of-balance, the hormones can cause depression and strange, dark thoughts, sometimes suicide. These hormones call also suppress Serotonin, the “happy chemical” our brain uses to keep us calm and allows us to sleep. When we are calm, we don’t have the need to stress-eat, which for me, comes out of the need to also keep up the energy depleted from the stress. According to the 5htp.com website, “5-Hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP) is an amino acid that is the intermediate step between tryptophan and the important brain chemical serotonin. There is a massive amount of evidence that suggests that low serotonin levels are a common consequence of modern living. The lifestyle and dietary practices of many people living in this stress-filled era results in lowered levels of serotonin within the brain. As a result, many people are overweight, crave sugar and other carbohydrates, experience bouts of depression, get frequent headaches, and have vague muscle aches and pain. All of these maladies are correctable by raising brain serotonin levels. The primary therapeutic applications for 5-HTP are low serotonin states as listed in Table 1.” Table 1. Conditions associated with low serotonin levels helped by 5-HTP Depression Obesity Carbohydrate craving Bulimia Insomnia Narcolepsy Sleep apnea Migraine headaches Tension headaches Chronic, daily headaches Premenstrual syndrome Fibromyalgia When I remembered what the psychiatrist said about 5-HTP, I took a small dose, but not until after I went back to stress-releasing techniques like reading before going to bed, exercising a little, and literally lessening my workload as a volunteer in our local community library. My hair has stopped falling out and is growing thicker again; sleeping better since I’m reading about half an hour before going to bed; my moods are better; and my thinking process has improved a lot. I can still remember the day after I got out of “lockdown” and walked around rereading the information on the bulletin boards in the hospital ward, over and over again because I couldn’t remember from one to the other. My brain was like mush, still processing the flashback. I am also taking Stresscaps. The auto accident 4 years before the flashback resulted in 1.5” of my small intestines being surgically removed due to bursting when hit by the steering wheel. I recalled reading where B Vitamins are created in your small intestines. On a personal note, bowel movements are more frequent and easier because, I suspect, B Vitamins also relax the bowels. My husband has been taking Stresscaps for over 30 years. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was my saving grace he could keep his calm during the abuse I put him through. The more I processed the anger I had harbored all those years through therapy and journaling, the more my brain turned back towards normality. Journaling from the original pain and coming forward helps you recognize the changes taking place as you grew older and why you changed. Each step in your healing as you move towards the future in your journaling, you incorporate the new changes in your life and create those qualities you wish to see in the mirror and hear from those around you. It is far too easy to fall back into old scenarios when in familiar surroundings, as wh at happens with PTSD victims.                                                        *                              *                              *                              * In the last newsletter I shared my being in a place of quiet and solitude and wondered if I wanted to leave it. Well, a couple weeks later it was like I had been shot out of a cannon. My energy level increased, and I went full speed in working at getting our library up to compliance with other libraries. This is the first year I’ve had the desire to create my garden and just completed Bee School. I have not been excited since before my flashback in 2003. Keep up with whatever is working for you. There is hope and it will happen. It takes work, patience, and most important, learning the love of self. Know you are loved, Lady

Learning Through Introspection

January & February 2009 - Learning Through Introspection © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli After pushing my book for over a year, have let it go into God’s hands. It was a hard year as the book took me places I didn’t want to go as I dealt with strange new emotions I had never experienced. Tired and feeling emotionally and mentally bruised, I turned the page of my calendar to see what was on the scheduled for the next week and was surprised to see it blank. Actually, stunned is a better word. Pondering the idea of a blank future, I tried to remember when a week in my calendar had ever been blank before, even of Doctor’s appointments, meetings, events, etc. I couldn’t bring anything up and almost went into a tailspin at the idea of nothing to look forward to. This frame of mind started a domino effect in thoughts and put me into intro/retrospection for several weeks. I stared into this vastness of nothingness in front of me and didn’t know what to do about it. Emotionally, I nearly panicked because for a hair’s breadth moment it was like not having a future; that things just ended right then and there. In the next moment I chuckled and started looking at things that could be finished or doing something as simple as relaxing. But that didn’t happen. Weeks on the road and resting when I got home, I set out with a vengeance to take back control of my house and started a deep cleaning that was long overdue. But I didn’t finish the job. My brain picked up the rhythm of my dust cloth. Slowly wiping one way, my thoughts went to the past. My hand moving in the opposite direction, they came back to the present. If the rag circled, so did my thoughts and images. Yes, images. I remembered forgotten scenes in my youth and was suddenly wondering why my parents had abandoned my last sibling when they moved in with us. It crossed my mind at the time to ask how he was going to survive and was told he had friends. I didn’t ask anything else. Standing up, I stared at the mountains in the distance through the haze of my thoughts and the living room window. I heard my twin sisters’ voices relate how they and my other sisters had, one at a time, dealt with the younger ones. Two of the girls ran away from home at 16. My mother never had a clue – so she told me. Watching the dark clouds glide over the mountains, the rosy glasses I wore my whole life slid away from my eyes. I stood there staring at naked truth as sunlight washed the dark, dormant mountain sides. My mother was not the saint I thought her to be. She didn’t know to care for children and didn’t seem to learn as she had one child after another for a total of ten. She had always looked to someone else for advice, even the neighbors. But then her parents died when she was 14 and she was pregnant with me at 15…. Perhaps she was just tired and didn’t take time to learn what she was supposed to learn. I just don’t know. In the spare bedroom closet, I found myself digging into the small shoeboxes we had carried around with us and stored for over 20 years but never dealt with the contents. Looking into each box, I picked up and looked at each item inside. It was like picking up a piece of my life and seeing it for what it really was and how it connected to my life, or now disconnected itself. I was not uncomfortable, but did wonder, “Why now?” Was it in relation to where I was a year ago? It is now November and I’m looking at nothing in the future and everything in the past. Is this the next phase of changing myself with regard to what happened in the past and recreating my future? I found myself in a place of nowhere yet a place of creation; accepting what I can manage now and letting go of what I didn’t want. It struck me like a soft womp of a pillow. After the flashback and therapy, I wrote the book that connected the dots in my life and why I made my decisions. The dust of the tour has settled and found myself in a place of a calm quiet, not running; looking at the stillness inside. I have never been in that place where one is able to step inside and look out to the world. I had always stepped within and looked inward, deeper. I realized I could make choices based on what I want to do and not what others want me to do or forced on me by society. I know I wanted to be involved in my community, so I started working in our community library. My empathic abilities have grown to such strength I no longer go out in public too much. I am gradually learning how to shield that part of me without cutting off the rest. I still need ear plugs. Standing in my center is like standing in the eye of a hurricane. It’s very still where I am watching everything spin around me without touching me. I’m not confused but it’s exciting, wondering what I shall choose now. I have enrolled in a college for natural medicine and in beekeeping school. I found it very curious, indeed, that in the midst of tossing things out in the past five years I had kept everything pertaining to bees and all herbal information. I am a Certified Herbalist and will now follow that through to Holistic Health Practitioner. I have let go of nearly everything I was and am now sorting out and bringing back into my life those things I feel in my gut – the gut being the place that indicates our right choices. It’s a sense of going home, actually, but from a different direction; a little older, a lot wiser. I am also trying to reconcile with the fact that my book and I will never receive the grand scale recognition everyone told me it would and I had expected. I still receive emails and calls, and I know it is being passed around quite a few circles, for which I am extremely grateful. But, alas, the ego part of me is still hard to let go at times. Truthfully, I was a little surprised when my disappointment revealed my expectations. I prided myself on having no expectations. I was asked a couple weeks ago if I would do sessions by phone and replied no. I have changed my mind on that and will explain the process on my website www.peacewithptsd.org. A lot of people think Spiritual Counselors are psychics or people who have been ordained. I have been ordained and have been called psychic, but those two are far different from Spiritual counseling. I am also being called to go more into solitude and back into earth medicine, where I was headed several years ago. In the same place of introspection, I have discerned that my saving grace in surviving all my abuses and my speedy therapy was that I had never felt I had been damaged; but felt something had happened in my life that changed me. Not having tools in place at the time of the abuse to deal with it, I did the best I could while my ignorance allowed other abuses to chip away at my self-esteem. When the flashback occurred, I felt it was up to me to do what I could to search, discern, and change things back to semblance of normalcy; though I never found anyone who could explain what normal is. Simply put, my ignorance is what caused my self-esteem degradation. Knowledge and understanding has set things to right and now I’m doing what I should have done when I was a child – growing into the adult I wish to be and not what my abuses would have made me. I discovered I shall always need to learn, to grow, and to change. I don’t want to remain stagnant for there is death in stagnation. I look upon healing as not healing, but rather changing. When we hurt, we change things to stop the hurt. When we have a headache, we take an aspirin to change the course of the pain or get rid of it. A headache doesn’t actually heal. If we address the problem of the headache, it goes away. Even if a tumor causes the headache, we cut it out. If it is inoperable, the knowledge and understanding of the cause makes it more bearable. The same is true with PTSD. We do what we can to gain knowledge and understanding to change the things that put us in the place of pain or caused us to feel helplessness. That same knowledge and understanding allows us to accept that which we cannot change. And it is true that wisdom comes from knowing the difference. Wisdom also allows us to accept our scars gained through battles and changing what created the thought patterns causing our pain. Things are in our control once we deal with and understand the issue that put us in the state of no control, otherwise known as helplessness. I have always felt that our soul teaching is in our gut because that is where we feel what we term “a sense of knowing.” That intrinsic element that tells us we are right when everything else indicates the opposite. You can bring back those good qualities you had in the past, along with your talents. You do have a choice of going back to who you were. But because of your journey through those trials, you are a better, wiser person, and have learned compassion. Listen to your gut as you make your changes to take or let go of something from the past or to create something different. The soul part of you has always been there, but, more than often than not, has been suppressed. After therapy, be it with a professional, writing a book, or just in meditation, and have looked at every nook and cranny of the pains of your life, you find yourself in the silence, the nothingness. The anger is gone and you no longer have the desire to run ahead of the It that has chased you since your trauma. A certain kind of fatigue overwhelms you. It’s the kind of fatigue that forces you to rest and sleep after healing from a huge accident or surgery. One day you wake up and listen to the sounds around you because you are hearing them differently, smelling a different sweetness in the wind. You know you are free to choose simply because you are no longer pushed or driven. You are the one in control. Will I walk through the other side of the hurricane? Don’t think so. I can choose to either rise above the eye in the hurricane or stay sitting in its silence and watch everything around me. For now, I’m staying in the silence. This kind of silence is not just at my Center, but at my core, soul level. It’s even different from when I entered the Dark Night of the Soul that took over two and a half months to come out of. There are different levels of changes as we let go and create anew, even if it’s taking parts of the past and reweaving it into the present. I’m in no hurry to leave this space because it’s not only comforting, but healing as well. It find it curious that as a Fiber Artist, I’m weaving a future out of my past and connecting to the present much the same way as I would weave a basket or a piece on the loom. Curious, indeed, considering the idea that anything artistic, in reality, is a creation of our extended selves, incorporating all of who we are, with what or how we wish to connect ourselves. Very curious, indeed I’ll keep you posted where I find myself next.

Self Nurturing

November & December 2008 - Self Nurturing © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli Big changes in the wind and we will keep you posted in the January/February Open Window Newsletter. Until then we wish you a blessed Thanksgiving, a joyous Christmas, and a bounteous New Year. We also wish to extend our gratitude to you for staying with us. No one has unsubscribed and we keep adding to our list. The Body Never Lies by Alice Miller, Phd One of our readers suggested the book The Body Never Lies by Alice Miller, established as one of the world’s leading child psychologists. Alice Miller, PhD in philosophy, psychology and sociology, as well as a researcher on childhood, is the author of 13 books translated into thirty languages. Her website is www.alice-miller.com. In the book The Body Never Lies, she talks about a child being abused and, yet, “Thou shall honor they mother and father,” according to the 4th Commandment of the Christian Bible. As we grow into adulthood we still try to earn our parents love. She writes that the love an abused child has for its parent is not “love,” but attachment. The book is easy to read, understandable, and offers different perspectives to child abuse and its lasting effect. This is an excellent book if you feel an occasional spanking, or humiliating your child is for “its own good.”                                                                                                          *                                                               *                                                         * Virtual Book Tour A virtual book tour is scheduled for Nov 10 and will run for 8 days. Please check our website www.peacewithptsd.org and www.keybusinesspartners.com for scheduled interviews. Some of our readers are already on the list and should have received your email. I took the liberty to send my publicist this list trusting the folks wouldn’t mind. You can always say no. In any case, this tour is the last event for my book My Journey to Peace with PTSD. I have released it into God’s hands and have gone on. Next newsletter will explain where our path has taken us and what it entails. To give you a clue, I have gone home.                                                                                                           *                                                               *                                                       * We have added a new link on What Works page. Enhanced healing offers counseling, free relaxing music with no royalties, and more. Check them out.                                                                                                           *                                                               *                                                        * Self Nurturing I have spoken of nurturing before, but at a conference the first weekend of October had shown me how much I took for granted what I do for myself. Over the years I have learned to give myself the nurturing I didn’t get in my youth. My error was in assuming that others did the same thing.  At the workshop, almost in unison, 4 people asked, “How do we nurture ourselves?” Though I taught my clients how to nurture themselves, I erroneously assumed that those not needing counseling knew how. Nurturing empowers us with strength and courage. It gives us the ability to explore who we are, all the avenues around us, and what we want to do in life. Nurturing gives us the ability to choose for ourselves and have the confidence to deal with the choice if it turns out to be the wrong one. Though, I don’t think a wrong choice is a bad one, necessarily, if it teaches us something. Nurturing gives us the courage to seek our limitations and what we need to do to expand our knowledge to grow. This kind of nurturing is supposed to come from those who raised us. Without this compassionate love-based nurturing in our childhood, we don’t usually have good childhood memories and, therefore, leave our inner child behind as we grow into adulthood. Then as adults we find ourselves seeking the love and nurturing we didn’t get as children. And because we were never taught, we nurture ourselves in negative ways, like overspending, drug or alcohol use, sex, etc. All those negative choices stemming from our ego. Over the years, watching other parents with their children, I observed the behaviors of the children when they were given nurturing love, as well as those who were mistreated, deprived, or ignored. This was where I learned how to treat my foster children. A little of the feedback they gave me was gratifying but lacked the true nurturing I sought. While seeking nurturing, I became gullible when I overly trusted people as I sought “approval.” For a long time trusting and approval were puzzlements to me until I watched my foster children with other people. My teenage foster children behaved the adults as I did at their ages, yet lacked the sensibility and wisdom as most adults have.  At the same time, we were older than most adults on many levels. This I knew to be true because abuse aging a child. In a conversation with a professional, whose name I have since forgotten, I was told, “Perhaps you were so busy seeking approval, you didn’t learn what love is; and in your search you lost your inner child. Maybe, your inner child is seeking the adult.” I sat for the longest time mulling this statement over and came to one conclusion. I didn’t exactly lose the child. The child never grew up, in many ways on many levels. What I mean is: I diapered my first brother at the age of 4 and became the surrogate to my siblings from the time on. I went from 4 to adult without the advantage of a childhood. That’s why things came so hard and were felt so deeply when betrayed or rejected. The child never had a chance to be a child, yet the adult in the child never had the opportunity to grow into adulthood either. When I realized this, I went and got my first Teddy Bear. I have gone through many over the years – adding to the collection only to give them away to other children. I felt silly at first, but made the conscious effort to check in with my inner child I knew at 4 and intuited her smiling. I bought tiny tea sets and set them out as a little girl would. I would sometimes play with the toys before I gave them over to the children for Christmas. Don’t tell them I said that. I remembered the baths. We took them in the claw foot tub 2 at a time, starting with the oldest, me, and went down to the youngest. When 6 took their baths, another bath was drawn. When we entered puberty, we took short showers. We paid for water in the city and the money came dear. I now take luxurious baths; sometimes with expensive bubble bath or butters for afterwards. Sometimes, I even pay full price for my toiletries because I know I’m worth it. Once in a blue moon, I’ll buy quality shoes and wear them only occasionally. I sit down with other children in their play area and play with them, oohing and aahing at what comes out of the toy box. I talked to my dog as a child would and pretend he understands. I had a Teddy Bear that held so many tears that if he hadn’t dried out in between, I’m almost certain he would have weighed an extra 5 pounds. Today, at 64, I still talk to my dog as though he understands. Never mind I get a blank stare or he turns his head the other way before lying down. It doesn’t matter. I still talk to him. I find a plant I think will go nicely in my garden. Oh, yes! Did I tell you about the Faerie Gardens I’m building? Those winged creatures have always fascinated me, so I’ve decided to create them using recycled wire for wings and recycled plastic bags cut into lengths to crochet their clothing. I can’t decide whether to use real ceramic for their heads or wooden beads. I’m open for any suggestions. Here’s the biggie, folks. Every morning, no matter how disheveled the image in the mirror, I think, “Lady, I love you.” Yes, I say I love you to myself. At first, I felt silly, really silly. But after a time, I came to believe it. I took note of how I felt before I started telling myself that and how I felt after it became a habit. It was one of those insignificant moments that became very momentous after thorough consideration. Our psyches build up walls of defenses after abuses. After a few abuses, one believes something is wrong and begins to believe she deserves the abuse, and, therefore, an ugly unwanted thing. Deliberately telling myself I love you turned that around in a way I hadn’t expected. No, it isn’t something that happens overnight, but gradually, over time. How long it takes depends on your own self-esteem and how much you put into it.  I can almost promise you one thing. The change is going to be so subtle; you won’t remember when it happened. I also envision my arms embracing my inner child. When she smiles, I smile. I burn incense with fragrances of the Far East and wear perfume of exotic oils (I have always wanted to travel to the India or the Orient), listen to music, talk to myself while cooking – softly chiding myself or chuckling at my mistakes. I literally became my own parent. I was a little angry at first for not learning this concept sooner when I discovered how easy it was. But all things come in their time. I smile more, laugh more, and see joy in the wonders of the little things that had always escaped me because I was too angry or disconnected.    Start small in the beginning. Set aside a few minutes of uninterrupted time even if it’s before the children get up or after they go to bed. Just make it alone time for you. Tell your husband to leave you alone while you take the time to read a book or primp yourself in the bathroom. It was a hard thing for some of my women who had been raped to go into the bathroom and softly wash their bodies with loving thoughts, or their special undergarments or nightgowns. Those things were repulsive to them because of a rape. I had to keep reminding them that the act was the ugly thing, not them, and to not take it on. Once they got past that, the rest easily came when they were ready. It was tough love on my part, but the philosophy is the same as falling off a horse that was forced down with an injury. Once the horse has healed, you have to get past the fear and get right back up on it. The idea behind nurturing is doing something that not only gives you pleasure, but shows off your uniqueness. An example of this is exploring art, taking a class at Adult Education or at a local college. Creativity allows you to express yourself through your senses, which is the best way to heal. The more you nurture and explore who you are, the more you understand yourself and your boundaries. Truthfully, I haven’t found my boundaries yet. The more I explore myself, the more I grow; much like the universe. Love yourself and give yourself a hug from me. Know you are loved, Lady

Changes and Research

September & October 2008 - Changes and Research © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli Please note the date change of the Open Window Newsletter. It will be created and sent out every two months, not every month; due to the time constraints placed on the editor as she begins researching available information regarding the different available healing modalities. We also plan to research and link to sites offering state information connecting to county safe houses. This will take time. This came about because of the one question people and moderators keep asking me regarding where one goes or does when one has been victimized. My response has always been, “If you feel you have been victimized and it’s an emergency, you run to the nearest Police Station or Safe House for protection. If it’s not an emergency, you still go the nearest Safe House for information on your rights, and available legal resources, for you and your children. Seek counseling as soon as possible. If that’s not possible, then grab the arm of the nearest stranger and start talking; and keep talking. Traumas not shared will soon come out in behavior disorders and/or life altering behavior patterns.” *                                   *                                   *                                   *           Peace-Harmony Progress Forum Peace-Harmony Progress Forum is the title of a new page on our website. Please check it out.  It should be done by the end of the first week of September. We have submissions from victims who wrote their experiences and what they did or are doing on their journey to healing. We will continue to add submissions to this page as we receive from those who wish to share. We will also seek submissions from professionals in the fields of medical, psychology, sociology, or any other field pertinent to survivors seeking a healing path. Again, check in often as this page will continue to change. If you are aware of any information you feel will help an abuse or PTSD survivor, please pass it on. We will research it and possibly offer the information on our site. This is your site, for and about you. *                                   *                                   *                                   *           Dance of Release DVD We are in the middle of producing a DVD titled Dance of Release, affectionately referred as the DOR. This video was designed for the participants of our workshops to aid in their healing as they share and experience their openness. The DOR movements were designed by Laura Martin, a highly experienced             Qi Gong instructor, based on the requests from Lady Spirit Moon Cerelli. Whenever you are traumatized or have been hurt badly, you tend to shut down parts of your beings. You stop talking, sharing, feeling, staying open…. The DOR opens your chakras as you slowly dance and move different parts of your body designed to open a particular chakra. As one having done one-hour solos in the Racket room and worked many years in the gyms, I was pleased to discover that the DOR is a mild form of cardiovascular exercise, strengthens the lower back, and tones muscles. I have Spinal Stinosis, and the DOR is the reason I can now work outdoors for many hours. Laura demonstrates the short version of the DVD at the end of the video for those who don’t have the 20 minutes for the full version. The short DOR is followed by a message from Lady Spirit Moon. This video is unlike other Qi Gong videos. The cost for this DVD is $12.00, not including S&H. *                                   *                                   *                                   * Different Modalities of Treatment In the August newsletter, I related the healing process and time frame for my clients. Though I have worked with other professionals, I have stuck to my form of therapy because it worked for my clients; with the idea of getting them independent as soon as possible. I started counseling 40 Years ago and there were not very many different modalities out there. In fact, we were just coming out of the mental dark ages, so to speak. I can still remember reading about a few doctors performing lobotomies as a form of treatment several hears before I came on the scene. And can some of you remember the Electric Shock Treatments? I shudder to think. Today, there are as many modalities of healing as there are people. One form of treatment may be easily adapted or changed to treat many different individuals. One treatment that has come to my attention is EMDR, Eye Movement and Desensitization and Reprocessing. This form of treatment was created by Dr. Francine Shapiro and has been around since the early 90’s. It seems to be successful for various disorders, including PTSD. Wikipedia has the lengthy, unbiased, definition of EMDR, but I think the EMDR website will tell you more. In what I’ve read in Dr. Shapiro’s book, EMDR, the process is closely related to what we do in our Coat of Harms Workshops, but we use art as the creative process in dealing with the senses related to the trauma(s). Dr. Shapiro desensitizes her clients as they reexperience their trauma. And more often than not, the client has to go through the EMDR more than once, if not several times. Training in the practice of EMDR is offered only to those already a licensed professional, according to the EMDR website. The EMDR website does have statistics taken from the numerous studies done on patients traumatized from abuse, sexual trauma, crises, anxieties, and PTSD, to name a few. According to the studies, ‘some PTSD victims had good success with up to 12 sessions of EMDR. According to Dr. Shapiro’s theory of EMDR; “When a traumatic or very negative event occurs, information processing may be incomplete, perhaps because strong negative feelings or dissociation interfere with information processing. This prevents the forging of connections with more adaptive information that is held in other memory networks. For example, a rape survivor may “know” that rapists are responsible for their crimes, but this information does not connect with her feeling that she is to blame for the attack. The memory is then dysfunctionally stored without appropriate associative connections and with many elements still unprocessed. When the individual thinks about the trauma, or when the memory is triggered by similar situations, the person may feel like she is reliving it, or may experience strong emotions and physical sensations. A prime example is the intrusive thoughts, emotional disturbance, and negative self-referencing beliefs of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).” “It is not only major traumatic events, or “large-T Traumas” that can cause psychological disturbance. Sometimes a relatively minor event from childhood, such as being teased by one’s peers or disparaged by one’s parent, may not be adequately processed. Such “small-t traumas” can result in personality problems and become the basis of current dysfunctional reactions. Shapiro proposes that EMDR can assist to successfully alleviate clinical complaints by processing the components of the contributing distressing memories. These can be memories of either small-t or large-T traumas. Information processing is thought to occur when the targeted memory is linked with other more adaptive information. Learning then takes place, and the experience is stored with appropriate emotions, able to appropriately guide the person in the future. A variety of neurobiological contributors have been proposed.” Too often, clients walk into an office expecting a quick-fix remedy or pills. Medication for depression, anxieties, or various other disorders does work for some of those particular disorders, but not on the trauma, itself. And they don’t do the processing. Short of hypnosis (and then only to a degree) I have not seen a modality yet that does not work without the client going through the memory of the trauma. Though, this may change when I start researching. Medication can stabilize individuals; and has been given to individuals for the duration of their life. While in the VA Hospital and after I related my flashback, I was told the following: “You can go on medication for a year with therapy; or for the rest of your life without therapy.” There were no guarantees given, and they’d have been fools to issue them. I went through therapy in the fourth best VA PTSD program in the country, and was off medication in six months. But the healing was fast with the help of journaling and writing my book. The gist of the process is: NO MATTER THE TYPE OF TREATMENT, NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU PUT IT OFF, EVENTUALLY, YOU WILL HAVE TO FACE THE TRAUMA. That’s it in a nut shell, folks. You can take courage in the knowledge that you can get through the therapy and the memories with the same strength it took for you to survive the trauma and live with it (them) in your life. Yes, there were days you hung by what you thought was a weak thread. But, my goodness, there had to have been days when you took that same thread and lassoed a varmint in your path and put it in its place. “Give sorrow words: The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break” – William Shakespeare Know you are loved, Lady

What to Expect When Healing

August 2008 - What to Expect When Healing © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli We have readers writing their biographies and are surprised in many ways the effects of going back to the beginning, or to the first trauma. One individual is even interviewing relatives, starting with her mother. As adults, we are in a different emotional state from when we were children, if for no other reason because of our life experiences. Life lessons, learned through experiences as we grow to adulthood, give us a different perspective we would not have had it been explained to us when we were children - we need the experiences rather than the speeches. And our emotions don’t always get involved when hearing about a thing as when we experience it. When we observe ourselves as children being abused, we have the choice of allowing the abuse to become a reality and hurting us again, or view it as a memory – which is the true reality. Observing ourselves is also the third-view perspective; getting outside of yourself and viewing it as though you were watching a movie. Behavior disorders do not create by themselves, but are the results of a trauma(s) which consist two or more objects, meaning you and someone(s) or (an)other object(s), like a car or a bomb; two or more of the five natural senses; and the state of no control, otherwise known as the state of helplessness. When we feel the state of no control, our psyche doesn’t know what to do. If we don’t have the proper tools in place at the time of the abuse, I promise you, behavior disorders will follow. I ask you, what child will know, on its own, how to use anger against people they love? Or change its personality without provocation? We need our psyches, or egos, to survive in our society. But if we don’t have the correct knowledge or nurturing in place at the time of the abuse, or it isn’t dealt with shortly afterward, the psyche will begin creating its own protective defenses based on the life experiences and knowledge we had up to and before the moment of abuse. These protective defenses usually turn into behavior disorders, which are a means of expressing or disguising a hurt or traumas. The mental makeup at birth may also a determining factor. Going back to the scene of the crime and viewing it as a spectator, we begin to see the why of a thing and understand it. We can almost detach ourselves from the idea of being the victim as we get involved in probing into the possibilities behind the reasons of the abuse. We can even go so far as to see what behaviors began after the abuse because we can see the changes taking place within ourselves as they happened. If you question other members in your family, you may even learn their sides of the story and the reasons for their involvement. I don’t know of anyone who has not been surprised, yet. As for myself, I was totally blown away by what some of the other members of my family saw and experienced and what part, if any, they played in my life. I wasn’t the only one abused but was blind to it. Once you lose yourself in the search for understanding, using the third-view perspective, something very subtle happens. Surprising, even. You begin to change. Through understanding, the psyche begins to let go of anger and some of the defenses it had built over the years. The curious thing is that you are not even aware of all the changes taking place, and rarely will notice when they occur. It’s like a slow melting away of something dark and irksome; a slow realization of a burden lifting. If you follow through with your bio to the present day, the changes can begin from the beginning of the bio to two or three years after, for the most part. While the burden of anger is lifting, there may also be a subtle shift of energy and moods within you and with the people around you. Once I went into therapy after my flashback and I (my psyche) began to understand, the changes were immediate. I kept changing for nearly 4 years. After you become accustomed to the changes and incorporate them into your life, other issues pops up. You find yourself with habits that existed while you were angry or hurting, so you have to rehabilitate yourself as soon as you recognize the ones you no longer need or want. Your views on things are going to change as well, so you relearn how you feel about things and how you look at them. You actually go through a rebirth as the old “angry you” falls away and this new person emerges. In truth, the anger suppressed the person you slowly come to realize was there all the time. You have the opportunity to change and grow as you become aware, an opportunity to recreate yourself. This can also be a confusing time. Spiking anger may continue as you heal because your psyche isn’t sure it wants to let go of it – anger being such a good friend for a long time. Some of your disorders my increase or heighten for the same reason. But this won’t last long. You may begin to question yourself as you approach, or are, in the different stages of healing. Questions like: Does anyone else go through this? Am I the only one? How do they handle it? What did they do? Are they going crazy, too? Did they do anything different? Who can I ask? How much do I dare reveal to anyone about myself? Will they understand? All these questions, and more, are the same questions everyone asks themselves. What you are going through is normal, but at the same time unique to you because no one else has had your experiences, background, social environment, race, creed, age, or gender; in other words, walked in your shoes. But I can assure you, as long as your gut doesn’t send up a red flag, you’re on the right path for your own healing. The downside to all this is as you change, so do your outlook, your friends, jobs, environment, etc. Women usually leave their partners or spouses. The person you were in the past was attracted to something in your partner. As you change, that attraction may no longer exist. As you become stronger within yourself, you may not need what you thought was the strength of your partner. Better yet, you may have the strong self-esteem to leave an abuser. If you were fortunate to have a partner who is willing to walk your path with you, you are indeed blessed. You will probably change jobs because the talents required for the old you, no longer exist. For example, if you had cut off your emotions, you were probably able to handle emotionally charged people or chaotic situations. Once you come into contact with your emotions again, they will get in the way of your job, making you ineffective. That, or the people or the scenarios will drive you up the wall. With me, I created situations or a cause that used my energy and gave me what I thought was a sense of control and purpose. When I finished them, I went on to another; usually without waiting for accolades, though on some occasions they would spur me on. Now, I’m no longer driven. My passion came back, and I do things because I want to and not because I need to. If there are other people in your life at the time you go through your transitions, especially children, it makes things rougher. This is when I suggest folks get a counselor for the other parties in their lives, or family counseling. You’re doing enough to handle your own situation. If you try to help others, especially if they have been abused, mixed messages may be received or misunderstood. This requires a third party professional. This is usually done in hard or extreme cases. Either way, as you go through your different stages of changes, people may get confused, angry, or smile. And there are many stages. Just as there were many stages when your psyche took it’s time building its walls defense systems. While healing, I encourage my clients to get a pot, toss some dirt into it, put in a plant, usually an herb, and place the pot near a window in the house or easily accessible outside. Every day they are to touch the plant, talk to it with kindness, and feed it occasionally with fish emulsion or commercial plant food. Look at the plant as though they were nurturing themselves and providing what is needed. This plant will become an extension of you, the caretaker. As you nurture the plant, you nurture yourself; talk to it with kindness and you treat yourself with kindness; and feed it to grow healthy, you become conscious of your own body and how you treat it. This is also a third-view perspective. You put yourself on the outside, again. But this is different. The interesting aspect of the third-view perspective is that whenever you are dealing with something negative, the psyche will grab hold of your brain or emotions. When you deal with something positive, your psyche will stretch with everything it has and on its own power to feel good. This is the harmony in the chaos, or what I term Universal Balance. While seeking for the person who was suppressed under the muck and mire, nurture yourself with kindness and words of love while getting to know the person who emerges. One day, you will do what I did. You may point to the image in the mirror and say, “Gosh, she is pretty.”   Know you are loved, Lady

Nurturing with Life-Altering Choices

July 2008 - Nurturing with Life-Altering Choices © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli Sometimes being too close to your own situation can prevent you from seeing clearly – much like being in the middle of the forest when you need to see all the trees. You need to see everything when things continually go wrong, especially if you don’t provoke them. When negative situations not only keep happening, but are out of your control, and put you on your heels, it’s time for you to stop, look within you and decide what is best for your own well-being. When things go wrong for quite a while, it’s time for you look around and discern if you are walking your true path This is where I have been for several weeks. Perhaps, with my sharing, you will better understand when you can discern for yourself and how and why you should change the course of your life. About three weeks ago, working on my website, I learned that the auto accident of ‘98 took away more mental abilities than I had first thought. The thing about receiving a blunt-force trauma anywhere to the frontal lobe of the brain is that you don’t know how bad it is, to what degree, to what level, or, and more disconcerting, which abilities are truly affected. It is a matter of beginning a project and learning whether or not you can do it, or if you can even break it down into components. Just to give you an idea of what it is like: say you swam your whole life and became good enough to win a few medals. You receive a head injury in an accident. In six months you’re healed and none the wiser regarding the ramifications of the head trauma. One day you go out to the pool. In your heart you know how to swim, you see it, feel it. You know for an absolute fact you can swim. Yet, when you get in the water, you can’t seem to get the information all together enough to know how to start, where to start, or how to get the information to your limbs. The mild depression didn’t last long, which surprised me considering I at one time held a job as a Systems Analyst. The Brain Injury of American wrote that people receiving this type of injury are the last to realize it and have the worst time with it. My new limitations have curtailed several future projects. Indeed, it has changed my life. But this is just one of the things that had gone wrong. I spent nearly three weeks working on a 30-minute teleseminar, only to have it cancelled three hours before it was scheduled to happen. I would not have known of the cancellation had I not checked my email at an unusual time for me. I bought a computer and the company would not honor their contract when it broke within two weeks after purchasing it. It seems that shipping time is also part of your trial period. More things just kept happening, one after another. There have been several times in my life when I’ve been forced to sit down and have a talk with my self or with God. On one particular Murphy’s-law day about 10 days ago, I’d had enough. I sat on the porch after dinner and said, “Boyfriend, we need to have ourselves a little discussion.” To explain my term of endearment for God, over two years ago, I entered into what is called the Dark Night of the Soul. It’s a place where you and God have a very intense one-on-one relationship. I don’t know about anyone else’s, but ours lasted about two and half months. I now affectionately refer to God as “Boyfriend.” After my talk with my Boyfriend, I sat and waited for the familiar feeling. After twenty minutes or so, I would sense a change. Like a small amount of energy shifting around me. When I sensed the change, I then asked, “Okay, now I don’t suppose there could be a cleaning lady walking up my drive; seeins how I’ve not done my housecleaning in a week?” Not a cloud in the sky, but I heard a loud rumbles in the west. “Okay, we won’t push that one.” I expressed my gratitude and went inside. A few days later, our truck fatally broke down and we were forced to buy another vehicle, which took four three-hour round trips, with another trip scheduled for parts. On the third trip my molar broke. Three days later I wasn’t feeling very regal in the dentist chair when his assistant put on a temporary crown. The trip home seemed longer than usual. When we walked up the ramp, I noticed the plants that needed to be put in the ground and wondered from where so many had come. I thought, “What have I been doing?” These are just the highlights of the past several weeks. So here I am, wondering what is going on and why I’m not getting angry. At no time did I get upset. Confused? Yes! I’ve learned that sometimes when I get confused, things start churning up emotionally. When they do, I just back away from whatever I’m doing and go back to it later. Does all this mean I have Alzheimer, or dementia? Or am I just plain old and the little grey cells are too tired to rejuvenate themselves. I have an agreement with my Boyfriend. I’ll do what I can on my part, and He will do the tough stuff…the things that I cannot do. Our discussion calmed things down, but it was evident that what needed to be done was for me to make some decisions, change things in my surroundings, and within me. It is too easy to have a pity-party and blame God when things go wrong, or, as some do, blame the Devil. I don’t do either. I had prayed, now it was time to have a talk with my self. Loving yourself is not easy. It’s something we have to learn because humans are not born to love themselves. Since I started working with people over 40 years ago, I’ve seen our society move away from nurturing. Parents rely more on the schools or day cares to raise their children. Liabilities prevent such institutions from actually hugging children for fear of being accused of child molestation or sexual assault. So most children are caught in between and don’t learn how to love or nurture themselves. When working with my clients on their journeys back to the past, I try to get them to latch onto their inner child and bring them forward. It is important to learn to play again as adults as it is an intricate part of self-nurturing. You don’t need to make mud pies, but you can make gooey brownies. You don’t need to have tea parties with your dolls, but you can have coffee time with your girlfriends, or with the fellas—whichever side of the gender fence you fall on. It is very important you have a support system in your adult life; one or more person with whom you can have fun and talk about things. It’s equally important you allow alone time for yourself. You can sit in silence with a favorite beverage. If you have children, do this before they get up or after they go to bed. A mother once told me that three kids wouldn’t allow that kind of luxury. It took her nearly four months, but she learned to set time aside for herself. She discovered that in the past her frantic running from place to place drained her. But by slowing down and allowing herself a few extra minutes, she got the job done without the hassle. She also learned to follow through with her children. She taught them what they needed to do then refused to budge when they didn’t do it. She even took her son to school in his pajamas because he kept procrastinating and didn’t get ready in time. She only did this once, and he behaved better. Most children’s behaviors come from adults not following through on what they tell their children. If a child knows what is expected of them and what they can expect from those in their environment, they don’t act out nearly as much. That’s another thing. It is very easy to get caught up in someone else’s schedule or chaos. It’s much like tossing the baby out the door with the bath water; we get in so much of a hurry. You will find that if you stop and take a deep breath rather than give into the chaos, you won’t have to work as hard, be more focused, and have more time and energy. The idea behind self-nurturing is giving yourself pleasure in small increments and enjoying them. Talking a whole day is good if you don’t have to spend a lot of time planning and working hard at justifying the full day with trying to fill it up. Take a walk around the block, in the garden, or in the woods after dinner by yourself, or use it as quality time with a loved one. Start slowly, but try to incorporate a small amount of time for yourself every day until it becomes a habit. Bad habits are hard to lose. Good habits are hard to pick up. Stand in front of the mirror and smile at yourself while saying, “I love you.” You’ll be surprised how much it will change you. Almost every evening I sit down on the porch with my dog and pet him. Those few minutes with him softens me and gives me more pleasure than a two-hour movie. Don’t laugh, but petting my husband does the same thing, except his kisses are better. After my talk with my self, I knew I had to make some changes, tough changes. I asked my self, “What do you really want to accomplish with your website and book?” My heart responded that I wanted to get back into spirituality. That I was tired of always spending money on appointments that were not really benefiting me or what I wanted to accomplish. This meant I had to give up the commercialism my book was taking me. I knew the book would get into the hands of those who were supposed to receive it. I would again go back into individual counseling and put on workshops for however many came. On…and on…I made my many decisions. Within a day or two peace again settled within me. Did I really give up anything? A wise person once told me that you can’t lose what you don’t have. This statement haunts me sometimes. God loves you and wants what will make you happy. However, this may not coincide with what you think will content you. You will know if you are on your right path when you experience harmony in your daily life. Things go well, as though someone is laying everything out in front of you. Peace calms your insides even when things outside of you is in chaos. You have a smile on your face, have more patience with the world around you, and things won’t get to you so easily. If obtaining this goal means you go and talk to someone, even a professional counselor, do it. If it means taking a vacation, even in a tent by yourself, do it. If things keep going wrong, either it’s not time for what you want or you’re going about it the wrong way. The willingness to change can bring into your life what you desire if you stop fighting with yourself, which is the same as fighting with God. People ask me how they can discern their right path. My response is, “When you base your choices with the God-force within you, you will feel emotional wellness. You walk in harmony when you balance your life with as much giving as you take and compliment and assist others, putting them first. Always remember that everything you do to another you do to yourself. Set aside time for yourself and for those you love. If it’s time for you to have your fame and fortune in the sunshine, then you will have your glory. If it isn’t, you will only hurt yourself by trying to push the weight of the world up a wall. Learn to accept that which you cannot change, and change what you can for the better good of the whole, with yourself at the center. If you surrender a dream out of love, you will get it back ten times.” So sit in silence and go within to see what things look like and how they feel. Using your heart and integrity, you will know. Look at what tough choices you to need make then DO IT! Know you are loved, Lady

Love vs. Being in Love

June 2008 - Love vs. Being in Love © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli We were licensed to take in foster teenagers fifteen or older. These pre-adults were the most neglected part of the foster care system. I discovered how surprisingly easy these young people were to care for and educate. Coming from abused homes, I had assumed they would be mentally messed up and difficult to manage. Our kitchen was 13' x 18'. The table was not quite in the center and had room to run around it and not bump into anything. Every day at 3:15 PM, the chairs were pushed in while one or two boys walked/paced around the table. This is where and how they verbally vented their day's frustrations. If 45 minutes was not enough venting time, they went out on the wood pile to split wood. On rare occasions, they would come in to just sit and talk. The one subject that would eventually come up was the meaning of love. On one particular day, I was at the stove making vegetable/beef stew. I usually made it quite thick and was tending it during the last stages of cooking when Ryan breezed into the kitchen with, "Hey Mom, I'm in love." "That's nice, dear. I'm sure it won't take long for you to learn to love her," I responded as I slowly stirred the pot's contents. "What do you mean? I'm in love. I do love her. Ain't it the same?" "Aren't, dear," I corrected him. "And, no, they aren't the same." Ryan came over to the stove and took the wooden spoon out of my hand, stirred the stew, and turned down the heat. I had already taught him some of the basics of cooking. Gently touching my arm, he guided me to the table and pulled out a chair for me. Slouched in the chair along side me, he stated, "Talk to me woman." He had never been shy about learning new things. Wiping my hands on my apron was a way of preparing me and my listener for something I enjoyed doing most...teaching. Leaning on the table, I responded, "Being in love with someone means there is something in the other person that makes you feel good. How does this girl make you feel?" "You're right. She makes me feel good." "How?" Ryan sat a few moments in contemplation then leaned over and smiled broadly, "Well, she's hot." Pointing my finger at him, I softly retorted in a mocking tone, "That had better be in a good way, or we're going to have ourselves another discussion." Gently holding onto my finger, Ryan replied, "Mom, she's good looking. I like looking at her." "Then you're in love with her because of her good looks. But that's all it is right now. You love her good looks, not her. You don't know her." The confused look on his face prompted me to continue with, "I'm not saying that you can't fall in love with someone's personality, body, or good looks. You could even love one of their endearing traits. But all those things are the outward appearances of a person that represent what they are. Loving someone is knowing who they are on the inside; and that takes time. You know you love someone when you honor or respect them for all they are; not only for the who and the what, but their faults as well. And that's a biggie for a lot of people. It's hard to accept another's faults because you'd like to think you're with someone who will give to you and protect you, maybe even be more than you. And these things are fine. But you have to give back as well. You can't always take, no more than you can always sacrifice yourself. Loving someone is a bond of mutual understanding, or growing to the state of mutual understanding, all the while accepting the other individual's growth, even if it doesn't match yours. Love is nurturing another to allow them to be best they can be, even if their success is greater than yours." Ryan sat for a moment looking at me, "Do I love you?" That surprised me. "Don't you respect me?" With his elbow on the table and pointing a finger to the ceiling, he said, "Give me a moment," before lowering his head. A few moments passed before he looked at me and said, "It's okay to love her body, so long as I respect her." "That applies to anyone, anything, or any place." "Huh?" he exclaimed with wide eyes. The brains of all the young ones always seemed to blow a fuse on that statement. "You honor your car by maintaining it because it's your lifeline and you want it to respond to your needs to go places. You honor your house by paying the taxes and maintaining its upkeep. In return it will keep you dry and provide you sanctuary. You honor your school friends or coworkers for who they are by not trying to change them or their habits. You help them to grow by giving them room and gently hinting or displaying alternative habits. Your friends and family are your comfort and your support team. Simply put. You honor everything and everyone by not harming them. If you disrespect everything and everyone, why should they give to you? Every time you honor something or someone, you give them a strong foundation on which to build a relationship, which will give back to you in profound ways. And you never have to look over your shoulder or have any regrets." Leaning back in his chair, I saw he was mulling things over. I took the opportunity to check on my stew. I was stirring it when Ryan came and stood behind me. Circling one arm around my waist and using the finger of his other hand, he tasted the stew. I smacked at both hands and succeeded in splattering gravy across the stove and leaving a spoon imprint on my apron. I smiled when I heard him chuckle while walking down the hall to his room. "I can't believe I'm in love with my foster Mom."

Taking Things Personal

May 2008 - Taking Things Personal © by Lady "Spirit Moon" Cerelli Have you ever wondered why you get angry when someone does or says something to you? Sally is sitting at her desk in the third grade classroom. An obnoxious boy comes over and takes her pencil and won’t give it back. It was, after all, her property; and he didn’t ask. She tells the teacher, who, having a lot to contend with in a full classroom, talks soothingly to Sally and gives her another pencil. Sally goes home and tells Mom what happened. Mom just got off work and is trying to prepare dinner. Her mind is elsewhere when she pats Sally on the head and says, “Yes dear.” Since Sally can’t get any satisfaction, she sulks for a while. As with all children, their resiliency allows them to forget the incident. But the ego doesn’t work that simply. Sally thinks she’s forgotten it; but the brain never forgets. 20 Years later, Sally is in the office with a co-worker, John, who walks by Sally’s desk and picks up her stapler and takes it over to his desk. Sally immediately jumps up from her chair, goes to John’s desk, and grabs her stapler back. In a heated voice, she spits out, “Next time, you ask me?” Another example demonstrates how the anger doesn’t have to be about an object. It could be a misunderstood word or words lifted out of context. A landlord rents a certain amount of space to a friend. After a while the landlord notices the renter is slowly moving into the landlord’s storage space and storing things that belong to her. The renter isn’t doing anything destructive, just taking over space that she isn’t renting. The landlord also notices that the renter is using things belonging to the landlord, who by this time feels the renter is taking advantage by slowly taking her storage space and using her things without permission.  The landlord understands that if something isn’t done about it, the renter will crowd his space. The landlord emails the renter relating what she has observed. She reminds the renter that she has rented only a certain amount of space but is slowly moving into unrented space. The renter emailed back and asked if the landlord is telling her she was encroaching, using her, and stepping over boundaries. The landlord wrote back and said that they needed to meet face-to-face, that emails weren’t doing it. When they got together, the landlord related how she felt she was being dishonored by the renter using her things without permission and slowly moving into her storage space. After a few minutes of discussion, the renter shared that she was married to a man who had set limitations upon her and drew out her boundaries, even in their house. This was one of the reasons she divorced him. The renter had misread the message the landlord was trying to convey in the email based upon her impression the email gave. The renter’s mental state of no control resonated back to when she experienced her boundaries being drawn by her husband. In both cases, when people hurt us physically, with hurtful words, or just plain dishonoring what is ours, it registers in our brain as a state of no control or helplessness. Emotions may not register immediately but will rise up soon or later, involving one or more of the five physical senses. If there is no support system in place at the time of the hurt, or if there is and it’s treated like a small nothing, the brain is going to remember. Every time someone hurts us, one of the five senses acts as a trigger as it resonates back to the original hurt. Every hurt doesn’t have to be same. But the brain will remember the mental state of helplessness and the emotions involved in the original hurt. By the time you are adults, you have felt the hurt so often and our anger is so entrenched, you fly off as soon as something is done or someone says something. The irony of all this, you may not understand what set us off. There are ways of dealing with this anger. We can: Learn to control your emotions and mental state by preventing yourselves from prematurely flying off the handle. But all this does is create a pressure cooker that will eventually blow. Continue thinking you are right with your anger and let things fly. There are actually people who don’t understand why others don’t want to hang out with them after they’ve lost their cool a few times. Or, you can do the wise thing. You can sit down with yourself and try to see what actually made you angry by trying to discern what you resonated with. Go deep within and look at the first time you felt the same state of helplessness involving your emotions. Use a friend or therapist to talk it out. I suggest writing it out, in detail, remembering the physical senses as well. No one likes to think something is wrong with their mentality, so looking within yourself to find faults is not going to be easy. You’ll need to go back and look at the first time you were hurt with an honest perspective. If you accomplish this, you will see from where your anger is coming and why. Once you look at the original hurt with a viewer’s perspective (this means looking at yourself like you were looking at someone else), other emotions relating to the original hurt may, over a few months time, slip away. You may also experience one or more of the five stages of grief as explained by Kubler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying. Any time your body lets go of something physical, even weight, anything emotional, or spiritual, you need to grieve it. This is especially true when it comes to your ego/psyche. It may be a small, subtle grief. If you were affected on many levels, you may grieve for each level the pain hurt you. You may not experience the stages in order, or all of them; but grieve you will.

Poem - Take My Dreams Away Forever

Below is a poem written by a beautiful soul from Indiana. I think it reflects how a lot of us have felt. Take My Dreams Away Forever My life is complicated and seems bleak My life is dazed and confused I don’t know what I should be Or how to stop from being used I want to sleep to fade away But no one will listen or even see How sad and torn I feel everyday I help everyone else, but never me People are so prejudiced They won’t see the pain on the inside They make quick judgments And choose to only see pain on the outside Even loved ones choose not to see Or maybe they are blinded by their own pain There is a loss of connection that should not be This loss is devastating and only more pain is gained I want to be healed and put together But feel blocked by so many including myself Why and how are the questions I gather But the answers are held in a book high on a shelf Why now are my dreams and thoughts so vivid Why did it wait to fester in my psyche How will it go away and quit making me so livid My dreams, my guilt, my pain go away I plea I need someone to be understanding I’m not making this up or being lazy I am floating and I can’t find a landing I hurt, I’m lonely, I’m scared; not crazy I don’t want to die only to sleep Take my dreams away forever I want them gone and not to keep I want the pain to come back never Thank you, Indiana, for sharing your heart and intimate thoughts

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	Mar. 10, 2008 - The Past Can Make You Stronger Jun. 19, 2008 - BlogTalkRadio Interview... "Why We Take Things Personal" Nov. and Dec. 2007 -  Inside Scoop Live...

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	August - The DOR (Dance of Release) DVD is scheduled to debut August 23 - Our first Coat of Harms Workshop October 3-5 - Southeast Women's Herbal Conference in Black Mountain, NC

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